Missing her
by Queen-of-Gondor
Summary: My version how Spike learns about Joyce's death. My first Buffy story, please review! (-:


A/N: This is my first Buffy story so please tell me what you think.  
There is Dawn/Spike friendship, but no slash.   
Unfortunately I missed Season 5 and I don't know wether it's described that Spike learned about Joyce's death in a different way than in my story. If he did, I'm very sorry.   
I hope you like it (-:  
  
Disclaimer: All belongs to the great Joss Wheedon.  
Missing her  
  
He had been lying around for hours, not knowing what to do.  
They hated him, he knew it for sure. How could they not - after all that had happened?  
He wondered why he even cared, he was their enemy, only that damned chip prevented him from killing them. Was it really the only reason that he had been with them during the last few months?   
What about Buffy?  
Was his love for her not true?  
Of course it was.  
Hadn't he liked it to be with Willow and Tara, too?  
Well, at least a bit.  
Hadn't he enjoyed quarreling with the watcher or Xander?  
Sure he had, very much.  
Hadn't he loved it when Dawn had come to the cemetery after school to talk with him?  
Oh yes!  
She hadn't been there for so long and he truly missed her. He knew that it was all his fault, he had ruined it all. She had trusted him so much, he had been like a big brother to her. And he had to admit that he had cared about her very much. As a matter of fact he had been very protective towards her and that she didn't show up anymore hurt him deeply.  
During those many centuries as William the Bloody he hadn't felt like this. He had killed two Slayers and then he had fallen in love with the third. It was ridiculous! He even cared for the rest of the Scoobies.  
'God I'm such an idiot! Should have gone with Dru and send those bastards to hell!' Those and other thoughts were running through his head and they were easier to bear than the thoughts of the slayer and her friends. But he just couldn't get rid of them, it was simply impossible!   
He had no idea why it was this way, he didn't even have a soul! He shouldn't be able to feel love and yet he did. It was all so confusing. His whole world was braking into pieces and he just couldn't help it.  
Of course he had always been different, he had been able to love Dru, he had felt bad when she had left him, he had even felt a little pity when he had killed the chinese slayer. Usually a vampire without a soul wasn't able to feel anything at all.   
"Bloody Hell! Why does have to be so damned difficult?", he asked aloud but knew very well that there was nobody to answer him.   
Nobody had ever truly cared for him. Except for Dru - perhaps.   
And the lil' bit.  
He cared for Buffy, but she would never return his love, never.   
And the other Scoobies didn't even like him, they just endured his presence. He knew that now, but this knowledge didn't change anything.  
  
**********  
  
Suddenly the door to his tomb opened.   
The movement was very slowly and to his surprise a young girl came in.  
Dawn!  
A thousand thought were suddenly running through his head.  
Why was she here?  
Did she want to tell him how much she hated him, like all the others?  
And most of all, why had she been crying?  
Yes, he could tell by one look at her swollen face that she must have been crying for hours, that she was still depressed.  
Something was terribly wrong!  
But what had happened?  
She just stood there, starring at him with sad eyes and after a moment she closed the door behind her so the sun couldn't reach the vampire who stood up now and carefully approached her.  
The teenager girl didn't flinch or shy back and when he stood right before her the thin lips began to tremble and new tears were suddenly running down her pretty face.  
"Spike...", she whispered, but couldn't continue.  
"Yeah, what's wrong?", he asked carefully and suddenly she was leaning against him, holding onto him and crying on his shoulder.  
After a moment of hesitation he took her into his strong arms and led her to the coffin on which they sat down.  
For long minutes she wasn't able to speak and just sobbed in a way that could have melted the coldest heart.  
Spike didn't know what to say and so he remained silent, just held her tight and now and then he stroked her hair. He was so unsure of what to do, he really wasn't good in such things.  
After some time she finally stopped crying but didn't look up, her head was still resting on his shoulder.  
Then he just couldn't endure the silence anymore. "What's wrong, pet? What happened?"  
"I shouldn't be here.", she whispered, her voice was raw from crying. "But I had to come."   
Now she finally looked up and her eyes met his. "I don't have to fear you, right?"  
"No, never." He hadn't even realized that he was holding her hands now.  
She nodded and again she didn't find the strenght to tell him what had depressed her so much.   
"Dawn, you know that you can tell me everything."  
This time she could finally answer. "It's about mum."  
Immediatly Spike was alarmed.   
Of course the vampire knew that Joyce Summers had a brain tumor, but hadn't she been better already? At least he had thought so.   
"Is she worse again?"  
"She's ... she's dead."  
Spike had feared that, but know the knowledge was hard to bear.   
He opened his mouth but his throat was suddenly too dry to speak. It was probably the first time in his whole life that he was truly speachless. Of course he wanted to comfort her, but on the other hand he didn't know how. He was the bad one, always had been, not the gentle and understanding guy like Angel. Maybe this was the most important reason why Buffy would never be able to love him in return.  
Dawn looked at him as if she expected him to say something, her large brown eyes were still full of unshed tears.  
"I'm sorry, pet, truly sorry." It was not much but it was all he could say at the moment. And it was true. He hadn't known Joyce too good but he knew that she had been a nice lady. He had liked her very much, when he had been at Buffy's house she had always been very nice to him.   
To be honest he felt tears coming to his eyes, too.   
Immediatly he blinked them away, he hadn't cried since he had been human and he didn't want anyone to see it now.   
Not even Dawn.  
'I'm still evil!', he thought to himself, even though he couldn't believe it anymore.   
"I'm sorry if I disturb you", Dawn whispered hoarsly. "But I didn't know where else to go. Buffy has much to do with the funeral preperations and the others are pretty busy, too. I ... I didn't want to be alone anymore." Her voice had grown smaller and smaller with each word.  
But Spike was shocked at the statement. Had he made her feel like he didn't want her around? Of course he was not comfortable with this whole situation, but this had nothing to do with her! It was just hard to deal with the death of someone he had cared for. He just hadn't cared for anybody for a very long time, except for Dru, of course.  
"'Course you don't disturb me, pet! Never think that!"   
She smiled a little but her eyes remained sad.   
When she didn't say a word he continued. "Won't the others be worried 'bout you?" His own voice was very low now, he feared that he wouldn't be able to control himself anymore if he spoke more loudly.  
Dawn shook her head. "I don't even think they will notice that I'm not there."  
"Nonsense! Of course they will notice!"  
She sighed. "Maybe, maybe not."  
Spike thought for a moment, of course Buffy and her friends would be worried. Dawn had to return home. Soon it would be dark, too dangerous for her to be outside all on her own. But the Scoobies surely wouldn't like it to see her with him when he brought her back. On the other hand they would also hate him if anything happened to her. And even worse, he would hate himself. He would never be able to forgive himself if Dawn got hurt.  
He shook his head. "They're worried, don't ever think they're not." He paused a moment then continued. "I'll get ya home shortly after sunset."  
She nodded slowly, maybe she also wanted to be home, she probably needed her sister now.  
And Buffy probably needed her.  
Spike could imagine that it was very hard for the slayer and he so wanted to take her in his arms. But of course he knew that this wouldn't comfort her, not at all.  
Why did he have to care about her so much? Why couldn't he just hate her, too?  
He so wanted to, but he couldn't, he was just as unable to hate her as she was unable to love him.   
But all that mattered in this very moment was Dawn and he had to concentrate on her now.  
Until sunset they sat together, talked very little, but it was obvious that his presence gave her at least some comfort and for that she was very grateful.  
  
**********  
  
Spike knew that it had to be dark already and so he slowly stood up.   
"Let's go, lil' bit."   
She sighed, nodded and followed him out of the tomb.  
On the parking lot outside the cemetery he had left his motor bike. He gave her the helmet and she sat down behind him and held onto him. As always, when she was with him, he drove very carefully. When he was alone it didn't matter to him what happened. After all, he was dead already and usually an accident wouldn't really harm him, it could easily hurt him, but probably not kill him.   
This was totally different when Dawn was with him. He would never want to harm her and so he drove much slower then usually.  
When they arrived at the street Buffy and her little sister were living Spike stopped. "Maybe it would be better if you walked the rest of the way. Don't worry, I will watch you until you're save at home but it's be better if Buffy or the others don't see me with you."  
She nodded, gave the helmet over to Spike and went to go.   
He remained perfectly still and intended to stay were he was until she would be in the house.   
Suddenly she turned around once more and looked at him. "Spike?"  
"Yeah, lil' bit?"  
"I will miss her."  
He bowed his head, only a moment, then he looked at her again. "Me too." That was all he could say and all Dawn had needed.  
She turned around to go home.  
  
The End 


End file.
